On impulse, I looked up and my jaw dropped and shut back tight in the micro second it took me to lower my head. Did I just see what I think I did. I craned my head up again and Yes! There it was….This bare bottom on the chest press, his face turned the other way around. Most of us who frequent the gym do not find the occasional  plunging necklines or slipping pants to be a bolt from the blue.  But this wasn’t your mundane plumbers butt. It was the naked and pale rear end of a man…a man with shaky and jittery movements I thought. I felt his head turn and  I quickly looked down again wondering ‘what the hell is he thinking?? Can’t he feel the air brush on his skin?’  I was toying with the idea of walking up to the receptionist and telling her there was a man up there with his pants pulled down when my thoughts were disrupted by a pair of long legs climb the stairs up to the gym. Before I knew it I was following her. I couldnt bring myself to tell her of a possibly  psychotic man upstairs but follow her I could. 

As I reached upstairs and she made her way to elliptical trainer, I noticed the chest press on my right to be empty. I turned to my left and there he was… this time his face to me. Droopy eyes, quivering lips, drool sticking on the corner of his mouth, face unusually titled to his left.  It didn’t take long for me to affirm my impression of  this man being mentally challenged in some way. My juvenile analysis took a step further and zeroed in on what I would call a psycho sexual problem when I found him scan parts of me shamelessly. “Get away from me…you perv!” I want to shout out aloud. Instead, I did my ‘I am going to pretend you dont exist trick’ and stomped on the treadmill, furiously pushing all and sundry buttons. Didn’t take me long to question his family ‘Why isn’t some with him! How can they just let him loose! What if he rapes someone??!! Shouldnt be kept under watch?! I looked into the survellience camera and allowed myself to feel some sense of security.

The guy had unbashedly stared into my face despite my refusal to acknowledge him as a living thing for a good 5 mins before he turned his attention to the derriere on the elliptical. I was feeling nauseous. I kept shunning my mind from following his ….warding off the visual images I thought his brain must be busy conjuring up. I sighed out of exhaustion and looked down. As I did, I noticed his long T shirt seemed to cover what was very obvious 5 minutes ago. ‘Hmm probably no else noticed’ I thought. However, everyone did seem to notice his slight(?) deviation from normalcy.  Couple of women at the far end of the floor exchanged whispers and looked at him in disgust when he took off his shirt while he was staring at them. I prepared myself to run in case of a more repulsive display that could follow but he put it back on within a couple of minutes.

When I saw him climb on the stationary bike and open his book to read, somehow I could not place that picture in tandem with the sex maniac image I had created of him. He was a lech, eager to mentally undress the next woman who walks his way…and unbashedly. What was he reading?? Porn?? I had a sick ‘I told you’ satisfaction when after 20 minutes of calmly reading away he got off the bike and his hand moved to wipe the saliva laden corners of his mouth and his eyeballs rolled over fresh flesh that had walked in.

I sunk into the sofa the second time. For some reason, it’s an integral part of the workout. Before I go in, I have crib about how lazy I feel to the maroon upholstery. And on my way out, I have to High Five it with ‘Yep I pulled it off’. It’s also a place where my mind likes to nibble on details I tend to squeeze into a tight box otherwise. My thoughts went back to him. He had left a good 15 minutes before me. Once those nervewrecking eyes and the seemingly disturbing aura of that body were no longer present, I began to feel a pang of guilt. I don’t know where the remorse stemmed from. I asked myself questions that made shift uncomfortably in my seat. ‘What if he was someone you knew?? Would you want to lock him up if he were your brother or father?? Is the fact that he is a prisoner of his mind that chooses to wander into a sordid and dark terittory his fault?? What could he have possibly done?? The place is under surveillance.  He didn’t touch anyone. He didn’t hurt anyone.’

‘But he could’ a meek voice inside me tried to protest. ‘What if he grabbed an 18 year old. It might not kill her but it will be more than a scratch on her psyche.’ I hated to leave my thinking sanctuary without coming to a conclusion but on this occasion I knew it would be a long long wait if I didn’t  and so I chose to walk home sooner than later.

The thought bounced back on numerous occasions and with each time I swayed more and more to the side that told me it was selfish or in fact cruel of me to want him banned from the normal life we all live. When I told of this to Balu, he just ended the whole thing with ‘You just go do you thing and come back. They have surveillance cameras and its a public place. There is nothing to worry.’ Typical of him. Everything was simplified, clear and practical. No moral dilemma and sentimental jargon. No complexities.

Three days later, by the time I had tossed the whole moral, pyschological, philosophical mumbo jumbo with ‘Why am I screwing my head with this?? I wont probably see him again’, I bumped into him again on my way upstairs. Startled for a moment when my eyes met his, but also relieved in the very next for the fact that he was on his way out. The relief was short lived though. Moments later I found him circling my treadmill trying to make eye contact. My eyes refused to let go of my  ipod screen which was their safe haven since I saw this guy for the first time. I desperately fumbled searching inside me to catch hold of that sensible, compassionate self that always seemed to reason that a friendly smile won’t hurt but it was nowhere to be found. 

However, the minute he moved away it wasted no time in raising its ugly head and reminding me of how insensitive I was. This was only compounded by the fact that I saw a lady actually converse with him like he was just one among ‘us’. No, she wasn’t just acknowledging his presence or giving him a courteous smile she was actually chatting up with him. She was telling him of her insomnia and how she had a hard time dealing with it. I realised he spoke with difficulty too when I couldn’t actually fathom what he was saying but I guessed it must have been about his ‘condition’. 

Although from the corner of my eyes it seemed like any other casual conversation, my ears expected a cry of ‘Get your hands off me’ in the next few seconds.  It never happend! She waved him good bye with a smile and I saw him wave back excitedly, almost childlike. By this time, ’the’ (dont know if I could say ‘my’ any longer) compassionate self was spitting in my face and its shrills were tearing my eardrums. ‘See? That’s how the world looks like when people are non judgemental. You should be ashamed of yourself. The least you could do was look him in the eye and then look away but you treated him like this ugly open sore on the person sitting next to you.’

I fisted STOP on the treadmill. I wanted to go lock myself up in the steam room. Any room where no one would look at my face .As I was about to turn and head my way there I sensed his steps nearing me. My eyes mechanically shifted from the STOP button to the Ipod screen again. He was in front of me now.  ’Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’ he voice trailed as his head tilted shaking uncontrollably to the right. My cold yet sweaty hands pushed on the start button. The shrilling voice had now grown strong long arms that were tuggingly violently at my shoulders, shaking me furiously ”Just look once” but I just couldn’t! I just choose to drown both their voices by increasing the decibel level of my Ipod to max.

Black out?? First black out??? Random and scary words like cancer, brain and tumor seemed to whirlwind in a remote orbit around my mind. I shooed them away. ‘Tell me you are okay’ I couldn’t mouth the words. I just sat there waiting.
“u der???” I typed after a tormenting pause of 10 seconds

Siddharth has invited you to view his webcam
I drew all my energy into my palm which had turned exceedingly heavy all of a sudden and clicked on the screen.
On the other end was a meek smile on a pale face.
How I loved this smile I thought. How you would hate to lose it, a voice said.

“What’s wrong? Is there something you wana tell me about??” I typed, not wanting to lend my ear to it.
“What is it?” Mom asked as she put the tea cup on the table. She must have noticed the frown on my brow. Somehow mom can make out every single micro cellular movement of mine.
“Naahh I think the laptop is infected with some virus again” I mumbled trying to color my anxiety with a shade of frustration
“Tell me Sid”
“Nah! I am fine.” he typed but the frown on his forehead and whitish face did not seem to agree with his words.

Black outs??? Could he die?? Could this idiot be a dying person?? Were all his smiles fake?? How long before he will die?? Why the hell did he ever talk to me??
I sensed little pin pricks in my eyes. I made a fist and press the back of my fingers to my mouth. I didn’t want to cry. For some reason I didn’t even want him to know that I wanted to cry.
“What the fuck??? Why are you behaving like a kid? No one who has blackouts is fine. Have you seen a doctor?? When did this start?? You are saying this is the first….Are you gona have more??” I typed without pausing for him to answer.
“Hey its okay! I may see a doctor soon” he shrugged as he keyed.
“You are unbelievable…you may?? Does you mom know” I was angry now. For God’s sake you can’t deal with blackouts with complacency.
He chuckled “If she knows she is gonna have her last black out”

Laughing?? Is he really laughing?? My face was red. I bit my lips, got up and walked straight to the bathroom. I turned on the tap and brought both my hands to my mouth. What a fool?? blackouts?? God don’t let him die!!! Gosh how important has he become for me?? What the hell?? What is with me?? I looked at the girl in the mirror, washed her face and came back.

“Hello??” he said
“Hey!”
Buzz!!
Buzz!! What??? I typed not looking into my webcam.
“What happened???”
“How can you be so irresponsible?? It’s not like cold or constipation you know..and you tell me you are mature…I can see now how much. You are leaving the country in a month and you have blackouts that no one knows about..How mature is that??”
“Baby, cmon its not so bad…and anyway I have a general checkup marked this weekend. I will get it sorted” He smiled.

No, for once I am not going to let that disarming smile bully me .I stuck to my stern face.
“Hey smile for me….plzzz” He winked!
FUCK YOU I typed in bold for emphasis.
A mischievous glint crossed his clear eyes…and he smiled wider almost shamelessly . I pretended not to notice either.
“You wont smile huh??”
NO
“What if I make you??”
“You cant!!”

Mom walked past me again and I brought the tea cup to my lips for the facade of normalcy.
On my screen he was biting his lips, shaking his head and still smiling.
“Time for your meds Sid…You are laughing for no reason” I punched the keys.
“Okay I wont laugh” and he made a straight face. The smile disappeared as if it was never there in the first place.

We kept looking at each other for next few seconds. His soft face all too serious all of a sudden. Impenetrable. He looked at the screen without blinking, seemed to study my face, and I struggled to figure out what was going on in that smart little head of his.

“What happened ?? you quiet??” I finally gave in.
“Nah” he typed scratching his head.”I just remembered that ad”
“Ad?? which one??”
“One that used to be on DD about iodine deficiency in babies…remember that??”
“So?? What about that??” Is iodine deficiency causing the blackouts I wondered.
“This woman would be holding her crying baby, that is wailing his lungs out and this old lady would walk up to her and say ‘Munne ko kya ho gaya?? Kyon roh raha hai??? lagta hai iodine ki kami hai??…that one”
Dad came over to the table with the newspaper and looked at me once before diving in. I could deal with iodine deficiency if thats what it is, I thought to myself.
“Yah I know” I typed, waiting for him to finish his trail of thought.
“Did anyone ever tell you you look like that baby? Kyon roh raha hai MERA MUNNA? You sure you are getting enough iodine?”

Damn! I looked at his webcam…face as straight as ever can be…dead straight!
Before I knew it I was giggling with tea spilled all over my keyboard. Dad lowered his paper. I quickly pretended I had choked (on tea) and did a couple of mock coughs.
“Hmm hmm…watch yourself…I still have to remind you like a kid” he made an annoying face.

Sid dropped his head back on the chair and sat laughing right hand
across his chest and left palm on his mouth..admiring my folly…enjoying his victory…he always won ….every single time!
“You crazy?? “I typed after I wiped off the specks of tea from the keyboard. “I told you dad is here. If he sees you it would be last you smile ever” I typed with mock reprimand.

“I am… Munna…crazy about you…absolutely crazy about you and what’s with your dad huh?? Intruding my time with my girl ??” he added bashfully.

I imagined those words in his deep throated voice, letting a shade of pink flood my face before I raised my eyes that had lowered themselves on their own accord. I froze! He had blacked out!

“Darn electricity!” I could hear my father’s voice from another world.

P.S. with a little help from an acquaintance.

Photo Courtesy:Web

Weather in Denver has been dramatic of late . One moment its dark, hazy, pouring with rain, the very next the sun peers and the rainbow tags along. And when its windy, sometimes the full trash bags I leave at the corner of my patio tend to fly. I looked at those silken threads that had withstood wind, rain and the sun. Those threads looked so weak. So deceptive they are. They have stood up to everything in their way with the same grit each time. A mini flash presentation ran in my mind.Those little threads shining in the bright sun refusing to melt. Those little threads weighed down by the residual drops of water after a downpour but refusing to tear. Those little threads stretching will all their might in a gutsy wind but refusing to break….. I felt small. A little over five feet of mass and I felt incredibly small before this tiny tangle of threads….before this mighty mound of Resilience.

In a few days, it will snow here. In all probability, that could very well be the last of that little web but then the question is- How many of us last even that long?? I guess the lesson will still remain.

PS: I wanted an apt picture for this note. And incredibly I found a web covered in frost! ??? You won’t give up will you???

Photo courtesy: Web

Her hands were busy chopping the onions and her mind had escaped to visit moments in the immediate past, when she felt a sudden warmth creep behind her. Before she could turn, she felt those hands encircle her waist. The caress of hot breath rested on her neck before she felt a moist peck on it. She put the knife down and managed to mutter “Okay what are you upto… hmm??” He turned her to face him and said “Nothing!” His hands up in the air with exasperation. When she responded with a raised eyebrow he stood there biting his lips candidly. Moving away, he rested his hands on the kitchen platform, looked at her and said “Am I to blame if we have only so much time?? huh?” She smiled.

She had barely grabbed the salt container to season the eggs when he jumped “Hey be easy on the salt” She rolled her eyes. She should have seen this coming she thought to herself. Minutes before he had stood before the mirror stark naked and told her very matter of factly “Don’t you think I already have the beginnings of a six pack?? So vain! She said to herself trying to summon annoyance to adorn her face. Instead all she did was smile again. As she was about to pour oil into the pan, she stopped, shook the bottle at him and said “you wana do this??” “Nah!! Your pan’s coating is all chipped. With a standard pan we could have done with less oil” he said almost brazenly. She slapped his arm. How she ‘hated’ his ‘oh you are so lowly’ degradations. His only response was to grab her hand, pull her close and kiss her cheeks with a surround sound Mwwwahhhh!! “You are a darling” he whispered and she melted. He left her (‘why’ she thought) and turned back. She returned her attention to the waiting pan. “What’s in here???” She heard the pantry door open behind her. He was peeking his head in like a curious child. He turned around with a bottle of Vodka, glint in his eyes. “Not happening baby” She said sternly, waving the spatula at him. “I know” he sulked shrugging his shoulders and put it back in.

When the table was set, realization dawned on puppy dog. With intent eyes he asked, ” Aren’t you gonna eat? ” Better later then never she guessed.”No I am gonna grab some orange juice”"You sure??? We could share” he offered “Nah! I can’t eat now” She waved it away. He guffawed as she poured herself some orange juice into a glass ” Oh come on! Don’t act so sophisticated…You can drink straight from the carton..I know you better!” He winked. She sat down and watched him eat… chewing, talking and gulping down as he ate…eyes and hands moving in animation. When he wiped the last speck of food on his plate, his face looked like that of a well fed baby..content written all over it.

She was about to clear the table when he took the plate from her hand. “Later” he emphasized. “I am sleepy now!” He pulled her hand taking her back to the bedroom. She smiled at being treated like his private governess. She had barely switched on the fan when his phone rang. He made a face and reached for it “haan…mmm… give me five minutes I will be there.. Yah I know…bas paanch minute!” He threw the phone on the bed. He turned to her, this time he looked as if he was finally awake from the dream (or sleep?? she did not know) that had lulled them unawares sometime back. “Hey I think its time for me to go”. The splinter! She had so conveniently forgotten that he had come to her home and to her life only to leave. What was she supposed to say?? Don’t??? She knew he would go..he had to, so did he….just that all the while that they were together they were deluding themselves that these few moments were going to stretch to all eternity.

“Okay” she finally mumbled. He pulled his pants over the boxers, ran his fingers over his messed hair and walked into the hall. She could sense his eyes on her face every now and then. She stole glimpses of his face on the pretext of pulling wayward strands of hair from her face and tucking them behind her ears. As he picked up his bags, he finally spoke, without looking at her ” Okay you know what I want from you right?? I want you to smile, I want you to be happy and I want you to” He turned around, looked her straight into the eye and continued “maybe loose that puppy fat” he managed a smile with difficulty. Her lips remained still as she searched his eyes for the feeling she knew he was hiding behind that masquerade of a smile. “Hey..” he put his bags down and held her hand as he sunk unto himself letting go off that fake smile. Leaving midway, anything he might have wanted to say at that moment, he found himself bending over her, on her lips. Just a peck… a soft peck…barely there. Abruptly, he turned back, open the door and left. Before she could realize anything! He was gone! She ran to the balcony to see him one (last?) time. She waited until he faded away. She felt the taste of a salty tear drop on her lips. Not once???…he didn’t turn back even once??

She ran to the bedroom and fell into her bed grabbing hold of the pillow his head has rested on moments back…his smell still alive on the cover. She sunk her face into it and let her sobs escape. He didn’t look back even once?? How could he just walk away like he never was there?? This pain of bidding good bye to someone she didn’t know when she would meet next …if she could meet next, was drilling a hole in her heart. This pain of losing something she never really had in the first place was suffocating her being. But this man…he had walked away with so much ease. How could he?? Did she mean anything at all??

Beep! Her cellphone flashed the notification of a new message. Aman: I couldn’t bring myself to say good bye baby. I couldn’t mouth the words. I couldn’t turn and look back once. For if I did… I know I could never leave.” She sunk the pillow into her bosom and said to it…”You never did…not from here!”

Photo courtesy: Web

Okay, before I start, I am completely aware of the fact that I might not be the authority to comment on this video. I mean my only exposure to God’s and my mom’s own country has been the bi monthly vacation breaks I have taken every four years of my life. But then I am going to take the leeway of that very fact and critique this one anyway

Okay! so this is a tourism promotion video for Kerala…What’s with the African music?? Don’t get me wrong I love rustic African tunes but was it so difficult to find some music of our own??

Coming to the first shot…The twig man among the twigs.
Now for all aesthetic purposes this might be a marvel. I mean look at the silhouette, the color. You can’t help but be drawn by the grace(??) of the twig man (Look at his legs!) But having said that…I find it a little unsettling that this should be the first shot of the video. This weak thin fragile man. How and why this image, I wonder..Is it only to match with the twigs?? For the sake of visual beauty?? The water, the twigs seem integral to the scenic beauty of the place in question but I am not so sure of the almost starving man. Honestly, if they had chosen to focus on the moustaches instead it would have more a little more sense..the pride of the malayali man:)

The next shot is that of the woman experiencing the bliss of a dhara.Dhara is flow. Medicated oils flow from the hung bronze pot to your forehead and yes it is bliss! I liked the way the shot transcends to the woman curling on the earth like a baby would in its mother’s womb. Now that falls in line with the feel of that experience. It’s one that calms you down, lulls you into sleep…into nothingness.

The next shot she walks through those trademark narrow lanes with humongous old green trees with thick barks. Trust me Kerala still has places like that…your slippers make that crunchy sound from the dry leaves and twigs beneath them…and the red soil..it’s almost alive!! That definitely is Kerala!

Cut to the man practising Kathakali in his courtyard. I don’t know if anyone would find this juvenile but there wasn’t enough back ground in the video to whether this is a dance form. I might be being too picky but its not hard to picture a Westerner go oh what is he upto? Could a bunch of eager students in the courtyard have helped?? I think so. That aside the old world charm of that house, the collage of photos on the wall, those rocking chairs, they are typically Kerala…. although a smaller part of it now Yes, the progression to apartments happens.

Kudos to the next shot. I love the metaphor here. The woman meeting herself. Now that’s creative! That’s apt! That says when you come here, in some strange way you will get in touch with yourself, you will FIND yourself. How beautifully captured!

But right when I am soaking in that fleeting feeling she starts shaking violently. Now, yeah Kerala is perceived as the land of black magic and mantra and spells and witches (add me there heheh) but I just thought this piece was just dragged into the video out of nowhere. That is not the usual set up of reviving a possessed body/soul (yes, that’s what it is supposed to be). Children are not allowed to climb on trees and watch it like a commercial movie. It bothered my why there were no women there and throughout the video. There is no velaku (the lighted lamp) that is so integral to this ritual. It just didn’t fit in.

The visuals/portraits of the next two men adorned in Theyyam attire (I am thinking I got that right) were beautiful. Specially the second one was in grandeur. The third in the series is supposed to depict the traditional ritual of the deity whispering into your ear. These dancers are not only dancers but they are bodies that metamorphose into deities during the dance. The dancers have to comply to prayer, meditation and even abstinence of all kinds. If the image looks scary then its a winner. Because in the real world the atmosphere is a strange concoction of reverence, fear and awe. And unlike the video it happens in the dark of the night among lighted lamps and hordes of people who come seeking blessing and advice of the deity/ dancer. However our lady just smiles like she is relaxing in a pedicure parlour. I might have expected a sense of seriousness, if not reverence. The way the deity is sitting down next to the woman is also a spoiler….strikingly different from the real scenario. Of course it makes a captivating image but nevertheless, its fiction. Maybe everything is justified in the name of promotion but why would you resort to fiction when the fact is a million times more beautiful, more drawing and enthralling.

For those of you who wondered what the dog was doing there let me elaborate. The Dog is the accomplice of Shree Muthappan, one of the many revered deities in Kerala. The theyyam dancer whispering in the woman’s ear is representing Muthappan and maybe that is why the people behind the video thought the dog needs to be there too. Hmm..I don’t know how right I am but when you do a tourism promotion video, your audience is people who need to know about the place and not people who already know about it. I wonder what a novice would make of Muthappans accomplice amongst those theyyam dancers. Before you tell me that I am going back on my stand about sticking to fact’s let me admit I agree this definitely isn’t the easiest job in the world. It’s all about the nuances here! Striking a balance between offering what real and also what’s comprehendible to the audience it is meant for.

Anyway lets get to the good part now, the end, my favourite part in the whole video. A nice blend of fact and almost fiction. Elephants!!! Yes! They are as integral to my (and I am sure many others) mental image of Kerala as coconut trees are. And at most times that is how revered and loved they are in this small part of the world. So yah, although you as a tourist might not go as far as to sit next to this magnificent creature and fall asleep on its trunk, the image is captivating soothing, flowing and harmonious…Makes you want to say YES I want to be there!

Overall, even though I might have my complaints and reservations, the video brought some beautiful memories for me as a semi keralite ( I perceive myself as a bombayite (bombayite not even a mumbaiite:)) What it will do to strangers to the land, I can’t say. Hopefully the last image will be the one that sticks in their minds!